Legacy of An Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.                                      

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women are you the product of?
Both, my darling, both...just two different types of love.

~Author Unknown

                             

Mothering A Million Miles Away.....

......is so hard! Our little guy is sweet, and thoughtful and loving.  (But, not without his moments like everyone else's child!) But he is having a hard time being instantly thrown in to a new family, a new routine, a new sleep schedule, and a whole new realm of existence.  He has been strong and brave, even in the face of an unexpected extension.  And the hard thing is that the "hard time" is not something that he expresses in words openly.  It just seeps in by way of unexpected comments, puzzling behavior, or moments curled up under his sheets in silent tears.  It's just hard. It is. He is being loved and doted on by two of the most amazing people and their two awesome children, and it's still hard.  For him. And for us. And I'm sure for them! (Don't get me wrong, he is also having more than his share of giggles, smiles, laughs, goofiness and good times!)

And it's so good too, and it is growing him and us in many ways.  And it is important for his independence, and to know that even apart from Mom and Dad there are people that love him and care for him.  And we are doing something good by giving Ruslan a family.  And we'll all be back home together soon.  And we know all that. And we know people mean well when they tell us that. But it's still hard.

I miss my little boy, and all the big and little moments we normally share.  I miss checking his backpack each day.  I miss seeing him at soccer, and waiting for that big yellow bus to turn the corner.  I miss reading with him at night, cuddled up together.  I miss sleepy mornings when he wanders in to my room and we sneak in a snuggle before the day starts.  I miss movie night, and family game night, and dinner together at the table.  I miss hearing about his day, and hearing what's on his heart, and telling what made us "mad, sad and glad" each night before bed.  I miss praying with him.  (We do some of this over Skype, but it is somehow not the same!) I miss the random "I love you's" that pop up during the day from both of us, rather than the scripted ones that come at the beginning and ending of Skype sessions.  (Though those ones are nice too!)  And each night on that screen we are right there with each other, and still a million miles away.  And I can't tousle his hair, or give him a hug, or a high five, or tuck him in. 

And it is easy to forget, despite our best intentions, that in this grown up world of things happening around us-things are happening TO him.  And it's so important to be sure to take the time and explain.  Because leaving our son behind to come on this trip wasn't our choice, we never thought about the fact that he could look at it like it was.  Because this delay is in NO way our fault or our choice, it is easy for a little guy to misconstrue and think that it is because of some action or inaction on our part.  And Ukraine is some crazy, abstract vacuum of a place where his parents show up on a computer screen each night.  (Thank you Sullivans though, for the geography info that makes it a little more concrete for him!) and we were so busy and wrapped up with all the preparations of raising funds, and completing paperwork, and just getting here....it never occured to either of us to take out a map or a globe to talk about it. 

And he is there. And we are here.  And you can't do any of the things you want to do as a mom when you are a million miles away.  At least not the way you want to.  And it's hard.  And finding the right balance of expectation and grace is hard.  And  I can only pray that I get it right. From a million miles away.

Watch Out World!

  We had a great day today! (Even though we overslept and didn't make it to church, AGAIN! We just can't seem to get on Ukrainian time!) Thank goodness for Hope's podcasts!  Our driver picked us up early and we went to the harbor, which was a nice change of scenery.  We got to see some memorials, and also the water. There were people fishing off the concrete pier, and a few people (braver than I) who were swimming.

We walked past the "Sanitorium" which to me sounds like a mental hospital.  I asked our driver if it was like a hospital, but he speaks very little English and said, "No,no...prophylactic"....well we had no idea what that meant! So I looked it up on Wikipedia, and it said this: "....for most Eastern Europeans including Russians, Ukrainians, Czechs, and other national cultures sanatorium mostly means kind of a hotel with health resort facilities and various available services (such as massage, pool, sauna, aroma, oxygenotherapy, etc.) not covered by medical insurance. It is mostly without any double connotation is a spa resort where relatively healthy business people can rest and recuperate well-being during a regular job vacation."  Very interesting.

After visiting D'nistrovsky Liman (the harbor!) we drove the long way back to the orphanage.  Our driver brought us by the army base, and then past where there were large cranes and various ports along the harbor.

When we got to the orphanage, Ruslan's group was already outside. He was sitting at a table coloring with some of the other orphanage children.  He was so excited to see us, we told him we would wait until he finished but he insisted on coming with us.  He brought one of the coloring books and a few crayons with him.  So we sat down together, and he soon found a lego firetruck that we picked up for him in our bag of activities.  He was so excited, I wish we could have captured his face on camera. He looked at his coloring book and crayons and said, "No Mama!" meaning he didn't want to do that anymore! He ran like the wind to bring the coloring book and crayons back to the kids at the table, and get back to us to start building! His hands were shaking with excitement when he started building it! When it's finished it will be a great addition to his bedroom.  He worked on that firetruck for the entire two hours we were there.  He was so concentrated, and carefully organized and sorted all the parts.  He interpreted the directions so well, and he was able to build the entire thing himself, except for help with a few pieces that needed lots of muscle to click in to place!  He got it all assembled just as our driver was walking up to pick us up.  It was perfect timing! It is a great little firetruck, with working doors and a working ladder that swivels around and can be raised and lowered.  Tomorrow he will be adding the decals to it, and it will be complete!  (In fact, he asked if we could please leave his other activities at home tomorrow, and just bring his banana, juice, and the firetruck! He is so excited about it!) I guess legos will be a hit with him!                                                                             

Yana came over to us today (the little girl who gave me the Barbie necklace) and she was so delighted to see that I was wearing it.  I wasn't sure if she would have regrets in having given it to me, so I asked her if she wanted it back, but she spoke in Russian and gestured that she wanted me to have it.  So sweet, and I am glad she saw me wearing it today. 

Several of the children were interested in Ruslan's legos, and it is amazing to see how much he has grown in comfort knowing that they are only curious but that they won't (and we won't let them!) steal, ruin or destroy his things.  He is not so defensive, and he even chats with some of the children when they come over.  It is amazing what a little bit of scaffolding has done for his social development and his comfort level and sense of security.

When it was time to for us to go, Ruslan very carefully packed the assembled truck back in to the box.  He said goodbye to us with big hugs, and asked Bill to lift him in the air once before we left.  (This has kind of become a routine for them!)  He also gave our driver "five".  Yesterday when we were leaving, he gave the driver a hug, then a handshake, and then he kissed the back of his hand.  Ruslan has such a sweet heart, and he really responds to those who show him kindness.  (I think it helps that there was a time this week when our driver and facilitator were both advocates for Ruslan in a big way.) 

When we got back in the car I said to our driver, "Ruslan loves Sergei!".....and then he responded in his broken Russian, "Ruslan is good boy."  Such a short sentence, but that really warmed our hearts, and meant so much.  We are glad someone else has been able to see him in his true element, when he is free to be himself and not in defensive mode.  It's true...this boy is kinder, gentler, brighter and more intelligent, and funnier than he has ever been given credit for.  Watch out world....here comes Ruslan!

Under The Big Top

Okay, so I don't really know if there is a "big top", but Ruslan got to go to the circus today!  We showed up for our 4:15p visit as usual, but the door to his orphanage room was locked.  Our driver had us sit and wait while he went to find out where Ruslan was.  A few minutes later, he came back to tell us that Ruslan's group went to the circus.  He said we could go across the street to the store and have dinner, and then go back to the orphanage to see Ruslan at 6pm. 


We had pizza for dinner, and either we were starving the first few times we ate it, or the novelty has worn off because it didn't seem quite as good as we remember tonight!  We are both dreaming of food back home, and we feel like any day now our heads will turn in to a cheeseburger or some other yummy food when we look at each other, just like in the cartoons!

Could that be Mama and Papa?



All smiles to see us!



After dinner, we went back over to the orphanage and waited for Ruslan to return. 

After a while, his group came walking down the road.  It was so cute to watch them all walking, dressed up for their day out and so excited to be outside the gates of the orphanage.  At one point, Ruslan must have spotted the red van we ride in, because he started craning his neck to see, and shielding his eyes from the sun so he could get a better look.  When he saw we were waiting for him, he was so excited!   

We had a short visit with him before he had to go eat dinner.  Bill made an elephant gesture when asking Ruslan how the circus was.  Ruslan just looked at him like he was crazy! Guess this "circus" didn't have any elephants!  Truth
be told, we can't even begin to imagine what a circus here would be like! But Ruslan was excited about it, and said he had fun!  He spent some time taking more photos, and we explained that we would be back tomorrow.  We told him tomorrow we would be able to have a longer visit. 

From the orphanage you can see a body of water.  While we were waiting for Ruslan to get back from the circus, we asked our driver if the sea was nearby.  With our broken Russian, and his broken English, we were finally able to decipher that Dnistrovs'kyi Liman was not too far.  (From everything we can gather, it is like a harbor?)  He said he will pick us up tomorrow before our orphanage visit to take us there, so we are kind of excited about the change of scenery!

We ended up over-sleeping and missing church        last weekend, but we might try again tomorrow morning! (We'll see if we're up in time!)  At least we were able to catch Pastor Mike's podcast, so we didn't totally miss church!  We are still prayerful that we'll have the SDA's permission for court by the 13th, so we can have court on the 14th.  But, our facilitator tried to go to the SDA today (usually a work day) and they were closed.  With all the delays due to the Euro Cup, the facilitator tells us all we can do is hope and pray.....which we are definitely doing!

Bill has decided to stay for the ten day waiting period.  I told him I would DEFINITELY understand (in a big way!) if he decided to come home instead.  But I am glad he'll be here to see Ruslan each day.  I think it would be very hard for him to understand why we were leaving, and I think he would worry that we might not be coming back.  And, now Bill will be here for Ruslan's birthday on the 25th, and I will be home with Mason for his birthday on the 28th, so no one will be alone on their special day! (We're very grateful we'll get to celebrate the rest of their birthdays together as a family!) 

In an attempt to be supportive, I told Bill not to be hard on himself if he made the decision to come home, and that Ruslan has been strong for ten years in the orphanage already and God would guide him through the final ten days, and Bill said, "But he wasn't my son for ten years.....I'm not going to leave him alone"   I love that man, and feel so blessed that he is the father of our boys! He also said it only felt right that if Mason would have me home with him, that he should be here for Ruslan.  And, we both agreed that we would NEVER leave Mason in the orphanage for ten days without one of us here, so it really was a no-brainer!!! So, that decision is made and we both feel really at peace with it.  Prayers would be much appreciated for Bill as he stays here for another month to complete this journey!

We are so blessed! I shared this list of gratitude on Facebook today, but for those of you that might not have seen it, here it is!

Today, I thank:

• God, for choosing us to go on this amazing journey, and choosing Ruslan to be our son.
• My amazing husband who is a devoted father, my best friend and a good and Godly man.
• Mason for being brave while we're gone, and for taking this whole thing in stride, and for eagerly welcoming his new big brother.
• Shaun and Heather Sullivan for keeping our beloved son, loving him, guiding... him and treating him as their own.
• Katrina Forbes for moving out of her own house for a month to watch after ours and care for two crazy mutts!
• Our employers who have shown amazing support for us in this journey, graciously allowing us time off and ensuring us that things at work will be handled so we can be free to focus on the business of getting our boy home.
• Our awesome coworkers bearing the load in our absence.
• An amazing church family with too many people to name individually, who have loved on us in countless ways that we just can't express our gratitude enough for.
• Each and every person whose large and small contributions (money, advice, wisdom, support, etc) got us here and continue to keep us going.
• Our family for preparing to welcome a new nephew, grandson, etc. with love and open arms.
• Redline United for preparing us in immeasurable ways for this journey and for growing and striving each year to better equip families-please know it is evident that your heart and intent are good.
• Stork International Adoptions for walking in faith with us, and for your flexibility and patience.
• Advocate for Orphans for your expedience, and for walking us through the "next steps"
• Our in country facilitator who is a BULLDOG and works like nobody's business to get things done (and who has also proven himself to be a huge advocate for Ruslan in a very important way this week)
• Our driver who carts us all around Ukraine with a smile (and who Ruslan has come to love!)

What a crazy compilation of circumstances, individuals, processes and relationships....if I didn't live it myself, I wouldn't believe it. So humbled to be a part of His amazing plan!



I'm A Barbie Girl!

Today we arrived right after snack, when all the children were changing in to their clothes.  We were in the little room where their lockers are, so we saw them all come in.  A little girl Yana (she is the one who was crying the other day until I invited her to play frisbee) was at the locker closest to me.  She started changing, and then reached out to hand me something.  She opened her tiny hand, and in it she had a hot pink, plastic, heart-shaped Barbie necklace.  I am thinking she just wants me to look at it, so I admire it and reach out to hand it back to her.  She stands there smiling, but doesn't reach to retrieve it.  After a few moments of awkwardness, I ask her if it's for me.  She nods happily.  I say "спасибо" which means thank you in Russian (pronounced spah-see-ba).  She is beaming with pride, but I am unsure if I am really supposed to take it from her.

I start explaining to our driver that she gave it to me, but I am not sure if I am really supposed to take it.  And then it occurs to me, he must feel like I felt the day the landlord visited....he doesn't speak English and here I am rambling on and on!  He takes it and is holding it when a boy comes up and grabs it.  Our driver gestures that it's fine to let whoever have it, and we get ready to leave.  But Yana boldly walks right up to the boy and takes the necklace back.  She walks over to me and gives it to me again.  I am again unsure of what to do, so I look to the orphanage caregiver for some direction.  She is nodding, waving, and gesturing me out the door.  She's probably just happy for us to go so she can get the kids to focus, but I take that to mean it's okay for me to take the necklace (since that is clearly Yana's intent!)  I thank Yana again on the way out, and I will certainly treasure this necklace.  (So don't be surprised if you see me rockin' the hot pink plastic Barbie heart!)

Yana is a girl my heart goes out to.  She acts tough on the outside, and is often seen to be a little more physical with the kids.  She's got a huge scar, that is obviously not recent, across her forehead.  She has several scrapes and cuts, and I imagine she is one tough cookie!  But the pain in her heart is so evident.  Her feelings are hurt very easily, she is often scowling or looking angry or upset.  And she makes me particularly aware of how hard it is for these children to watch families come time and time again, and leave them behind as they choose some other child.  And I almost feel bad taking the necklace.  As I wonder if she is hoping the right amount of bribing on her part will get me to bring her home.  Again, I have to rest in knowing the Lord has a plan for Yana that is great.  I pray for her protection, and I pray for the opportunity to speak love and light in to her heart.

The generosity of these broken children is so amazing to me.  Willing to give away what few "treasures" they have. So humbling!

When The Lights Go Down In The City

Wouldn't you know the internet has been working all day, and then almost to the minute of when we should have been on Skype with Mason, it went down.  So bummed that we were going to miss our nightly Skype session!  Bill tried to reset the router, and restart the computer, and still no luck.  While he was trying to figure that out, the power went out.  I was immediately convinced it was the crazy door pounder from earlier tonight (see previous post!), who cut the phone wire and electricity so he could come get us (ok, I am a little dramatic!)

Then, shortly after that the electricity across the street went out, so we were sitting in the dark, and so sad we missed our little man!  Then, just a few minutes later everything powers back up and we were able to catch Mason just after he got in to bed.  The family watching him was able to grab him so he could come chat.  He was sleepy, but so glad to see us.  And we were so glad too! 

19 Days!

Today marks our 19th day in country.  This journey has turned in to an exercise in patience as we wait to hear about our court date.  We are both a little stir crazy, and we are anxiously awaiting the news.  We should know something by Friday as that is the last day we can change our current flights to whatever they will need to be for the new itinerary.

We are blessed to spend time at the orphanage each day, though my heart breaks a little more each time.  There is no real way to describe it, other than that it is just a heaviness that sets in.  A couple days ago, we were sitting at the table working on a puzzle, when a little girl squatted down in the tall grass and weeds on the outer part of the playground right next to us.  She proceeded to relieve herself (a "number two" as Mason would say).  She reached back with her hand as if to start to wipe herself, but then waddled around with her pants around her knees until she found a piece of litter on the ground to wipe herself with.  Then she threw the soiled piece of trash back on the ground, pulled up her pants and ran off.  We then watched as several other children ran back and forth, playing in that area.  And I shuddered to think about the child who comes along thinking that piece of paper might make a nice paper airplane.

This reminds me of one of the first days that we visited the orphanage.  Ruslan went to urinate behind one of the playground shelters.  I am not sure if the children aren't allowed to go inside during playground time, or if they are afraid to ask, or what.  But it appears it is not unheard of for the children to urinate and defecate right where they play.  Needless to say, when Ruslan announces "too-ah-let"....we take him inside so he can use the bathroom! 

I love those moments at the orphanage though, when my heart sings if even for a moment.  Like when I tell a little girl that "Bog" (God) loves her, and she lights up with this beautiful smile.  Or when friendships are fostered and Ruslan is letting himself receive kindness from another orphanage child, rather than shutting them out in fear and defensiveness.  Or the way the children have come to know us, and eagerly greet us during our visit each day.  Or the time when one caregiver (we hadn't seen her before, and I don't think she is Ruslan's regular caregiver) noticed Ruslan's clothes were filthy, and she went out of her way to go find him something clean before our visit began.  It was a rare act of tenderness, and she was so kind and gentle with him. 

I have especially grown fond of a little boy named Maksim.  He is sweet, quiet and gentle, but fun-loving.  He reached out to Ruslan with compassion, and he loves to play but is always gentle with the other children. (A rarity in the hierarchy of orphanage play....we've seen much shoving, hitting, pushing, kicking, grabbing, etc!) I don't know why he has impressed upon me in such a way, but I pray that a forever family is found for him (and all the children).  I am grateful that at least God is watching out for them and He has a plan for each of them.  I have to remind myself to rest in that often.

We took a different path home from the store yesterday, just to try and break up the monotony.  As we were walking, we passed some buildings that have the same unmistakable fences/gate as the orphanage we are visiting Ruslan at.  We know the baby orphanage and the older children's orphanage are somewhere in Bilgorod as well, so we assume these must be the buildings.  We stop to take photos of the building, the guard shack and the playground.  When flipping through our camera photos today, Ruslan came across those photos.  The pictures of the first building didn't elicit any response, but when he got to the second one he lit up with recognition.  And it was so sad.  My heart hurt for him in a huge way.  He recognized that as "home" and was kind of looking at the photo with this nostalgic longing.  If you remember, the last time he left there he wasn't aware that he wouldn't be going back.

He asked me if I could take more pictures for him, and even asked if I could go inside and take pictures.  I explained that we weren't able to go inside, but that I would try to get him some more photos of the outside.  He started naming off the children that were there, and pointing to himself to tell us it was "his" orphanage.  I pray that we are allowed to visit that building.  We have families anxiously awaiting photos of their waiting little ones, and delivery of the gifts they've sent for them.  And, we really want to take some photos for Ruslan to have as a history of sorts for himself.  I know it isn't much, but it is all he has.  I am tearful now just thinking about it.  I am sure he misses the familiarity, the children and the caregivers.  Despite how he is treated, that is still his "home".  I know he'll have a home with us, and none of that will matter, and it is truly a blessing...I get that.  But it is sad that in order to have the blessing of a family, he had to endure yet another transition, yet another case of being cast off and sent away, yet another abrupt separation.  I am glad this is the end of abandonment for this little boy.

Or is it? That brings up a whole other issue! The ten day waiting period.  Originally, our plan was that Bill would stay here during the waiting period.  We expected that it would cut down costs considerably, but most importantly, we really wanted to maintain contact with Ruslan during those ten days.  That was the whole goal.  But now we have learned that it will be almost double the cost of what we originally planned if we do that.  With remaining payments on the table just for the adoption, we are trying to be prudent about expenditures and definitely don't want to incur more expenses. (Especially if we end up incurring more costs for staying longer than expected!) Even if they gave us an option of him staying here without a driver to lower costs, we aren't sure that is the best idea being that he would be alone, with walking as his only transportation, and the nearest familiar contact almost 8 hours away.  It seems very safe here, but we still aren't convinced that is the wisest thing to do.  (Especially with strangers ringing our doorbell repeatedly!) Today, there was some guy pounding...literally pounding....on the door.....at first we acted like we weren't there, but he kept pounding harder and harder.  Finally, Bill said, "hello?" to which the man responded something in Russian.  Bill said, "No Ruski"...and then the guy left.  So weird.  Yesterday we were woken up by a woman ringing the doorbell.  I know we are staying in someone's apartment, but you think they would let people know they aren't going to be here!  Anyway, I digress....prayers appreciated for wisdom as we make decisions about the waiting period. 

Bill could go to Kiev for the ten days because he wouldn't need a driver and the lodging would be cheaper, but then he wouldn't be getting to see Ruslan anyway so if that is our only option, he might as well come home.  (Which is tempting in and of itself because we are both missing Mason terribly, and we could both go for a dose of home right about now!)

Neither one of us wants to explain to Ruslan that we're leaving for ten days.  Not after we've reconnected with him.  I know it's only ten days in the grand scheme of things, but I think those ten days will feel like a lifetime to that little boy.  And of course, we'll explain why we have to go and that we'll be back, but I am not sure that makes it any easier. I am sure it still feels like the only people in the world who love you are leaving.  Again, I know it will all be worth it in the end....but it's the process of getting there that can be tough!

We love Skype and have really been grateful to connect with Mason each night.  (Though as I am typing this, our Skype is not working...so hopefully we can get that back up and running again.) He is so brave.  We miss him so much! (Okay, that is an understatement!)  He, and we, have had some tearful times during this separation.  We are so grateful he is staying with a loving, Godly family who can pray with him and read devotions that speak to what is heavy on his little heart.  That he has a small group leader who invests in him and loves him, and an Upward coach that encourages him and cheers him on.  What an awesome thing to have other adults pouring in to him.  We just can't wait to get home to love on him.  This is a big month for us to be away and he is handling it like a champ.  Come on court date!  We want our family home under one roof once and for all!

Please know that each of you is an integral block in our family structure now.  Your prayers, pennies, thoughts, advice, tears, laughter, support...all of it.  It is no accident that you came in to our lives exactly when you did.  The Lord intended to use you in this journey in exactly the way that He has.  Thank you so much for being open to that.  For answering the stirring He placed in your heart. And for walking with us every step of the way.  Without you, this wouldn't have been possible.  I'll say it a hundred times...."thank you" just isn't enough.