Our SDA appointment was this morning. We traveled into downtown Kiev, over cobblestone streets and in to a construction zone! Apparently they are working to repair the road outside the SDA Office. (We must have parked in a spot we weren't supposed to be in because when it was time to leave, we were blocked in by two police cars and had to move some cones to get out!) When we arrived, we were a bit early, so we waited outside in the car. Which we wondered about, thinking it would be better to get in line or something! But then at noon, the time of our appointment, we walked in. As we suspected, there were several people already waiting in line. Calculating in our minds how long each person before us would take, we planned to be there for quite some time. And then the doors to the office opened, and a woman came out and called our facilitator by name. She ushered us upstairs to the office, past all of the other waiting people! Grateful for our facilitator's relationship with the office, we walked right in and sat down.
The room was small, but comfortable. The shelves were full of thick binders holding profiles of the children available for adoption. We were asked how we know Ruslan, and why we wanted to adopt him. We were asked if he knows that we are coming. Then, she took out his file and placed it before us. And tears welled up in my eyes. I just ran my fingers over his face in those pictures and stifled the urge to cry. There was a photo of Ruslan when he was much younger- probably one of the few that exist of him at a younger age. And he was all innocence, with his adorable smile. There were also a couple photos that look a little more like him today. And my heart broke for him. And I thought of Mason at that young age...all the snuggles we had, the bond we shared, the time we spent rocking in the chair before bed, the sweaty sweet sleepiness of him that I used to inhale, and the confidence he had in knowing we would always be there for him. And it made me so painfully aware that Ruslan never got to experience that. Never had the love of a mother and father. Missed out on being held close, on forming those crucial bonds. A wise person wrote me a card to open once we arrived here. In the card, it says we'll experience lots of emotions when visiting the orphanage, and that it was her prayer that God would hold us together while breaking our hearts, but that it's through that heartbreak that our hearts can be aligned with God's. (Her words were much more eloquent..I am really not doing it justice!)
I do believe the Lord places the lonely in families, and I believe He has called us on this journey. Maybe it is to break our hearts for orphans. Maybe it's for all the ways He has stretched and grown our faith over the last year. Maybe it's because we were meant to encounter all of the individuals we have along this journey, maybe it's because this boy was ours long before we ever knew. His ways are great, and we are humbly and obediently trying to follow Him and be open to His will.
But the image of that younger Ruslan sticks in my mind. And I think of his mother. And I wonder about her. And I try not to judge. But I think of her at home with the two children she kept, and I wonder how it was for her to give Ruslan up. Was it by choice? Did she feel pressured? Was it against her will? Was it because of his deformity? Did she weep, or carelessly cast him off? Does she think about him? Does she visit him? Will he one day long to know his siblings? Do his siblings know they have a brother out there somewhere? And I know these answers will likely never come. I pray for her tonight, and I am thankful to her for the gift of Ruslan. And I pray that I never know what it is like to have to give up a child.
The woman at the SDA office said we can keep the photo of him as a young child if we replace it with another photo. We don't have access to a printer, or a way to develop a photo but we are going to do everything we can to try and make that happen. It is one of the few shreds of Ruslan's history, and we'd like to bring it home with us to preserve for him.
She told us a little about Ruslan....his birthdate, his siblings, his medical history, then asked if we wanted to see any other files. We told her no, so she called to verify that Ruslan was in the orphanage, and she approved the referral. We get our referral tomorrow at 4pm, and then we leave at 4am to travel to the region where his orphanage is. I just can't wait to see him....and if the tears came so freely at just the sight of his photo, I better bring some tissues!
The room was small, but comfortable. The shelves were full of thick binders holding profiles of the children available for adoption. We were asked how we know Ruslan, and why we wanted to adopt him. We were asked if he knows that we are coming. Then, she took out his file and placed it before us. And tears welled up in my eyes. I just ran my fingers over his face in those pictures and stifled the urge to cry. There was a photo of Ruslan when he was much younger- probably one of the few that exist of him at a younger age. And he was all innocence, with his adorable smile. There were also a couple photos that look a little more like him today. And my heart broke for him. And I thought of Mason at that young age...all the snuggles we had, the bond we shared, the time we spent rocking in the chair before bed, the sweaty sweet sleepiness of him that I used to inhale, and the confidence he had in knowing we would always be there for him. And it made me so painfully aware that Ruslan never got to experience that. Never had the love of a mother and father. Missed out on being held close, on forming those crucial bonds. A wise person wrote me a card to open once we arrived here. In the card, it says we'll experience lots of emotions when visiting the orphanage, and that it was her prayer that God would hold us together while breaking our hearts, but that it's through that heartbreak that our hearts can be aligned with God's. (Her words were much more eloquent..I am really not doing it justice!)
I do believe the Lord places the lonely in families, and I believe He has called us on this journey. Maybe it is to break our hearts for orphans. Maybe it's for all the ways He has stretched and grown our faith over the last year. Maybe it's because we were meant to encounter all of the individuals we have along this journey, maybe it's because this boy was ours long before we ever knew. His ways are great, and we are humbly and obediently trying to follow Him and be open to His will.
But the image of that younger Ruslan sticks in my mind. And I think of his mother. And I wonder about her. And I try not to judge. But I think of her at home with the two children she kept, and I wonder how it was for her to give Ruslan up. Was it by choice? Did she feel pressured? Was it against her will? Was it because of his deformity? Did she weep, or carelessly cast him off? Does she think about him? Does she visit him? Will he one day long to know his siblings? Do his siblings know they have a brother out there somewhere? And I know these answers will likely never come. I pray for her tonight, and I am thankful to her for the gift of Ruslan. And I pray that I never know what it is like to have to give up a child.
The woman at the SDA office said we can keep the photo of him as a young child if we replace it with another photo. We don't have access to a printer, or a way to develop a photo but we are going to do everything we can to try and make that happen. It is one of the few shreds of Ruslan's history, and we'd like to bring it home with us to preserve for him.
She told us a little about Ruslan....his birthdate, his siblings, his medical history, then asked if we wanted to see any other files. We told her no, so she called to verify that Ruslan was in the orphanage, and she approved the referral. We get our referral tomorrow at 4pm, and then we leave at 4am to travel to the region where his orphanage is. I just can't wait to see him....and if the tears came so freely at just the sight of his photo, I better bring some tissues!
No comments:
Post a Comment