Today was a pretty busy day, relatively speaking! It's been beginning to feel a little like Groundhog day here, so it was nice to have the change in routine! We went this morning to the Notary (in our facilitator's sweet Infiniti, which is a far cry from the beloved red van we've been traveling in!). After the notary, we went to the Inspector for the facilitator to get something with the paperwork done. He came out and we walked over to the Vice Mayor's office. There we had our hearing for advisability of adoption. The Vice Mayor asked us several questions....I think I am remembering most of them:
Are you aware of his medical history, and do you want further medical evaluations done?
Do you have a child of your own?
Do you have any ties to Ukraine and why have you decided to adopt from Ukraine?
He is older, and aware of the fact that he is being adopted. If he wants to come back to visit one day, will you support that. How will you maintain his Ukrainian heritage?
How has your experience been with the officials, orphanage workers, etc.?
Of course, we shared how efficient and organized all the officials have been with the paperwork, and how welcoming the orphanage staff have been, including the orphanage Director. To this, the Vice Mayor was making a joke and said, "So, you probably want to stay here?" (meaning stay in Ukraine permanently.) Bill thought she meant during the ten day waiting period so he answered, deadpan serious, "Yes, I would like to."......<insert awkward silence here!>.....so I thought quickly and turned it into a joke of sorts. I sort of chuckled and said, "We'd love to....if it wasn't for our son back home, but he might have other ideas!" So everyone chuckled then, and it seemed to lighten things up a bit. Too funny!
The Vice Mayor said it seemed like we had been working hard to prepare for the adoption, and that it seems we have a loving family and Ruslan would fit nicely there. She explained she would be signing the advisability for adoption in our favor. YAY! (I am sure they say those nice things to everyone, but our facilitator did say that another family did not receive a favorable advisability, so I am glad things went well!)
Then we went to the orphanage, where we got to spend some time with Ruslan. He was so happy to see us again, and of course had his snack of a banana, granola bar and juice! We started out inside for a while, coloring (the other kids had ripped up his crayon box, and broken some crayons, so they were loose today, and kind of a mess!) and using the watercolor paints. Then we went outside, and Ruslan was getting set up to do some watercolor painting. Several children came over, and were interested in what we were doing. I gave them some paper to color on, and greeted them. Ruslan was getting jealous that the other children were around, and walked away from us upset. I went to follow him, and he was hiding under a bench, crying. I rubbed his back and explained that we love him, that we are bringing him home to America with us....HIM. I explained that we need to be kind to the other children because that is polite. I explained that if we use up the paper, we can get more. He wiped his tears then, and went back to the table. Still more children came around, and Ruslan got upset again.....he stormed off and sat on the bottom of the slide crying.
It would have been easier to just gather up our things, and go back off to isolation somewhere. And maybe that really was the right thing to do. But I felt there was really a teachable moment where we could solidify our love for him and plant that confirmation in his heart. It was also good for the other children to see that he was hurting and needed some compassion, for him to see the importance of being kind, and for him to see that we are still there to visit and spend time with HIM, even if we have conversations and visit with the other children.
So I sat next to him at the bottom of the slide, and rubbed his back. Another little boy came over, and told me his name. I told him my name, and gestured that Ruslan was sad. The little boy crouched down in front of Ruslan at the slide, and was talking gently to him in Russian. Slowly, Ruslan's tears subsided....and he climbed up to the top of the slide. The little boy at the bottom rolled the ball up the slide to Ruslan. The first few times Ruslan let the ball roll back down, and was still sad...I explained that the little boy wanted to be his friend and play, and with some grand gesturing encouraged the little boy to roll the ball really fast! The ball sped up the slide, and a smile almost escaped Ruslan's face and then faded. Almost as if he wanted to have fun, but was afraid to trust. A couple more tentative rolls, and Ruslan slowly started to open up. He played several rounds of catch like this with the little boy. Then he gestured over to the table, as if to say "but look, they are all using the paper." I told him it was okay, and asked if he wanted to go back over. He did, so we went back to the table. Here, Ruslan took out a board game, and wanted to play. There were four pawns, so I explained he could invite three other friends to play with him. Well, he was willing to invite one...and then used a third pawn for me, and that was all he was willing to concede. I say that is a victory, albeit a small one! We praised him for sharing, and being a friend.
They played a few rounds before their attention shifted to the see-saw. They climbed on together and rode a few times, and then Ruslan snapped pictures of his friend standing and balancing on the see-saw. It was very cute to see the interaction, and to watch Ruslan opening up and allowing someone to be his friend.
We played frisbee with a few of the children, and Ruslan was at first very possessive and only wanted to throw it to us, and vice versa. But as he saw that the other children would throw it to him as well, he loosened up and let others play. We could see gradually that his comfort level with letting others in was growing.The teacher came over when she saw the mob of children, and ushered them away. She told Ruslan he could pick someone to play with him, so Ruslan picked a little boy. A little girl was just standing and staring, so I invited her to play. She burst in to tears, and it wasn't until then that I realized she was told she had to stay away to give us space. But, I couldn't bear to watch her stand there staring, wishing she could join in the fun. So I told her it would be okay to come and play. She immediately wiped her eyes, and was so excited! At one point in the game, Bill asked her if she wanted to switch places (putting her closer to me) but she said no, indicating that she wanted to stand next to "Papa". (The kids all called us "Mama" and "Papa" and were all clamoring for us to notice, interact and/or play with them.)
What could easily look on the outside to be bratty, selfish behavior, we see as a survival mechanism. We noticed it last summer too. With strangers at the park, or the Chick-Fil-A climber, he would laugh and play and interact with no problems at all. With Mason, he would share and be gentle and kind. But any time he was around the orphanage children, he would shut them out, without question. It's like he turns them away before they have a chance to turn him away. Or he is responding in a learned way based on previous experiences, even though they might not apply in that instant. And it also seems he may be concerned that we end up choosing another child if we get to know them. And that it's the first time in his life someone has paid him unconditional, undivided attention, and he wants to eat it all up!
To top it all off, one of the children accidentally lost the frisbee on top of the shelter on the playground. Ruslan was pretty bummed about that! All of the children were begging Bill to pick them up on to the roof to go get the frisbee. But not knowing the strength of the roof, and visualizing a child stuck after falling through, we opted to forgo that endeavor!
At one point, Bill went to talk with Ruslan, and Ruslan was waving him away, telling him to go. Bill stayed, and explained to him that we are taking HIM home with us. Not another child, but HIM. Bill said he was talking in English, but that as he continued speaking Ruslan stopped waving him away and seemed to understand what he was saying. He explained that we can be nice to the other children, and visit, but that HE is part of our family. That we love him.
By the end of our visit, Ruslan had warmed up quite a bit! He took the camera, and showed me how he could wrap it on his wrist so no one could get it. (We were literally bombarded with kids at that point, all clamoring for attention and whatever else they could find, be it paper, crayons...or even a camera!) Ruslan went around taking pictures of the playground, his friends, etc. He was having fun! Then he came over and gestured that he wanted to show his friend some pictures. We told him it would be okay, so he and another little boy went under the shelter to look at photos together. It was very cute!
We got called away from our orphanage visit early because we had to go back to the Inspector's office to sign some documents. Ruslan was all smiles by the time we said goodbye, and even asked to keep the board game at the orphanage to play with friends (or A friend, as the case may be!) And we were so grateful that he wanted to do that. We'll see if the game is still intact tomorrow, but if not...it was money well spent because he was reaching out and interacting! And tomorrow when we come back, I know it will be just a tiny bit easier for him to share us. I know he will be tiny bit more sure that we aren't going to change our mind about him. And I know he will have grown in connection with the other children in some very small way, because he is considering them less and less of a threat each day.
Ruslan walked out to the car with us to ask Sergei, our driver, if we would be back tomorrow. Sergei said that we would, so he said a happy goodbye and was smiling and waving on his way back to the group!
I am thankful for the blessing of this child. Thankful that the Lord has chosen us to exhibit patience, love, boundaries and grace. And I pray that we will find a balance between them all. And I know there will be days that I forget to be thankful for the blessing, and I am consumed by the burden. I know there will be days that speaking truth and love in to this little boy will be more challenging than I can bear. And I realize that must be exactly how God feels about me some days! Yet He is faithful and patient with me, come what may. And I know it will be times like those that I lean on the Lord, and rest in knowing He has chosen us for this task. And that He has brought some amazing, wise men and women into our lives to help us navigate the waters. And no one ever said it would be easy. But it will definitely be worth it.
Are you aware of his medical history, and do you want further medical evaluations done?
Do you have a child of your own?
Do you have any ties to Ukraine and why have you decided to adopt from Ukraine?
He is older, and aware of the fact that he is being adopted. If he wants to come back to visit one day, will you support that. How will you maintain his Ukrainian heritage?
How has your experience been with the officials, orphanage workers, etc.?
Of course, we shared how efficient and organized all the officials have been with the paperwork, and how welcoming the orphanage staff have been, including the orphanage Director. To this, the Vice Mayor was making a joke and said, "So, you probably want to stay here?" (meaning stay in Ukraine permanently.) Bill thought she meant during the ten day waiting period so he answered, deadpan serious, "Yes, I would like to."......<insert awkward silence here!>.....so I thought quickly and turned it into a joke of sorts. I sort of chuckled and said, "We'd love to....if it wasn't for our son back home, but he might have other ideas!" So everyone chuckled then, and it seemed to lighten things up a bit. Too funny!
The Vice Mayor said it seemed like we had been working hard to prepare for the adoption, and that it seems we have a loving family and Ruslan would fit nicely there. She explained she would be signing the advisability for adoption in our favor. YAY! (I am sure they say those nice things to everyone, but our facilitator did say that another family did not receive a favorable advisability, so I am glad things went well!)
Then we went to the orphanage, where we got to spend some time with Ruslan. He was so happy to see us again, and of course had his snack of a banana, granola bar and juice! We started out inside for a while, coloring (the other kids had ripped up his crayon box, and broken some crayons, so they were loose today, and kind of a mess!) and using the watercolor paints. Then we went outside, and Ruslan was getting set up to do some watercolor painting. Several children came over, and were interested in what we were doing. I gave them some paper to color on, and greeted them. Ruslan was getting jealous that the other children were around, and walked away from us upset. I went to follow him, and he was hiding under a bench, crying. I rubbed his back and explained that we love him, that we are bringing him home to America with us....HIM. I explained that we need to be kind to the other children because that is polite. I explained that if we use up the paper, we can get more. He wiped his tears then, and went back to the table. Still more children came around, and Ruslan got upset again.....he stormed off and sat on the bottom of the slide crying.
It would have been easier to just gather up our things, and go back off to isolation somewhere. And maybe that really was the right thing to do. But I felt there was really a teachable moment where we could solidify our love for him and plant that confirmation in his heart. It was also good for the other children to see that he was hurting and needed some compassion, for him to see the importance of being kind, and for him to see that we are still there to visit and spend time with HIM, even if we have conversations and visit with the other children.
So I sat next to him at the bottom of the slide, and rubbed his back. Another little boy came over, and told me his name. I told him my name, and gestured that Ruslan was sad. The little boy crouched down in front of Ruslan at the slide, and was talking gently to him in Russian. Slowly, Ruslan's tears subsided....and he climbed up to the top of the slide. The little boy at the bottom rolled the ball up the slide to Ruslan. The first few times Ruslan let the ball roll back down, and was still sad...I explained that the little boy wanted to be his friend and play, and with some grand gesturing encouraged the little boy to roll the ball really fast! The ball sped up the slide, and a smile almost escaped Ruslan's face and then faded. Almost as if he wanted to have fun, but was afraid to trust. A couple more tentative rolls, and Ruslan slowly started to open up. He played several rounds of catch like this with the little boy. Then he gestured over to the table, as if to say "but look, they are all using the paper." I told him it was okay, and asked if he wanted to go back over. He did, so we went back to the table. Here, Ruslan took out a board game, and wanted to play. There were four pawns, so I explained he could invite three other friends to play with him. Well, he was willing to invite one...and then used a third pawn for me, and that was all he was willing to concede. I say that is a victory, albeit a small one! We praised him for sharing, and being a friend.
They played a few rounds before their attention shifted to the see-saw. They climbed on together and rode a few times, and then Ruslan snapped pictures of his friend standing and balancing on the see-saw. It was very cute to see the interaction, and to watch Ruslan opening up and allowing someone to be his friend.
We played frisbee with a few of the children, and Ruslan was at first very possessive and only wanted to throw it to us, and vice versa. But as he saw that the other children would throw it to him as well, he loosened up and let others play. We could see gradually that his comfort level with letting others in was growing.The teacher came over when she saw the mob of children, and ushered them away. She told Ruslan he could pick someone to play with him, so Ruslan picked a little boy. A little girl was just standing and staring, so I invited her to play. She burst in to tears, and it wasn't until then that I realized she was told she had to stay away to give us space. But, I couldn't bear to watch her stand there staring, wishing she could join in the fun. So I told her it would be okay to come and play. She immediately wiped her eyes, and was so excited! At one point in the game, Bill asked her if she wanted to switch places (putting her closer to me) but she said no, indicating that she wanted to stand next to "Papa". (The kids all called us "Mama" and "Papa" and were all clamoring for us to notice, interact and/or play with them.)
What could easily look on the outside to be bratty, selfish behavior, we see as a survival mechanism. We noticed it last summer too. With strangers at the park, or the Chick-Fil-A climber, he would laugh and play and interact with no problems at all. With Mason, he would share and be gentle and kind. But any time he was around the orphanage children, he would shut them out, without question. It's like he turns them away before they have a chance to turn him away. Or he is responding in a learned way based on previous experiences, even though they might not apply in that instant. And it also seems he may be concerned that we end up choosing another child if we get to know them. And that it's the first time in his life someone has paid him unconditional, undivided attention, and he wants to eat it all up!
To top it all off, one of the children accidentally lost the frisbee on top of the shelter on the playground. Ruslan was pretty bummed about that! All of the children were begging Bill to pick them up on to the roof to go get the frisbee. But not knowing the strength of the roof, and visualizing a child stuck after falling through, we opted to forgo that endeavor!
At one point, Bill went to talk with Ruslan, and Ruslan was waving him away, telling him to go. Bill stayed, and explained to him that we are taking HIM home with us. Not another child, but HIM. Bill said he was talking in English, but that as he continued speaking Ruslan stopped waving him away and seemed to understand what he was saying. He explained that we can be nice to the other children, and visit, but that HE is part of our family. That we love him.
By the end of our visit, Ruslan had warmed up quite a bit! He took the camera, and showed me how he could wrap it on his wrist so no one could get it. (We were literally bombarded with kids at that point, all clamoring for attention and whatever else they could find, be it paper, crayons...or even a camera!) Ruslan went around taking pictures of the playground, his friends, etc. He was having fun! Then he came over and gestured that he wanted to show his friend some pictures. We told him it would be okay, so he and another little boy went under the shelter to look at photos together. It was very cute!
We got called away from our orphanage visit early because we had to go back to the Inspector's office to sign some documents. Ruslan was all smiles by the time we said goodbye, and even asked to keep the board game at the orphanage to play with friends (or A friend, as the case may be!) And we were so grateful that he wanted to do that. We'll see if the game is still intact tomorrow, but if not...it was money well spent because he was reaching out and interacting! And tomorrow when we come back, I know it will be just a tiny bit easier for him to share us. I know he will be tiny bit more sure that we aren't going to change our mind about him. And I know he will have grown in connection with the other children in some very small way, because he is considering them less and less of a threat each day.
Ruslan walked out to the car with us to ask Sergei, our driver, if we would be back tomorrow. Sergei said that we would, so he said a happy goodbye and was smiling and waving on his way back to the group!
I am thankful for the blessing of this child. Thankful that the Lord has chosen us to exhibit patience, love, boundaries and grace. And I pray that we will find a balance between them all. And I know there will be days that I forget to be thankful for the blessing, and I am consumed by the burden. I know there will be days that speaking truth and love in to this little boy will be more challenging than I can bear. And I realize that must be exactly how God feels about me some days! Yet He is faithful and patient with me, come what may. And I know it will be times like those that I lean on the Lord, and rest in knowing He has chosen us for this task. And that He has brought some amazing, wise men and women into our lives to help us navigate the waters. And no one ever said it would be easy. But it will definitely be worth it.
Sharing with his friends!!!!
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